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✌️Dustin ✌️

Your Children and Addiction (Part 1)

Your Children and Addiction (Part 1)

Pixabay Photo

 If every parent could open their heart and their mind to the reality of the current addiction trend, countless children could be saved.  I use the word “trend” lightly. A trend will usually wear out overtime and the next new thing will take its place. The “addiction trend” we are observing now is swallowing our country whole and shows no signs of slowing down. It has proven to be a ruthless, indestructible weed, squeezing the life out of the healthy growth around it. With its ever-growing list of victims, addiction will not stop when it reaches your child. It will wrap its roots tightly around your son or daughter and it will not stop squeezing until your child exhales their final breath. Where addiction is concerned, the odds do not look good for your son or daughter. Very few family structures in America get through the grip of addiction unscathed.

I am not writing this from an academic perspective.  I do not hold any degrees in medicine, addiction, counseling or psychology. However I do have what would be the equivalent time frame of a PhD as a drug addict. In the 12 years of fighting my disease, I have lost many battles but also won many of them. 

My goal is to help families who have found themselves caught in addiction and to educate about the real truth behind its many misconceptions. I do not claim to have all the answers. Through my experiences, I have learned what did and did not work for me. It has also worked for thousands of others. Through my destructive past, I have learned the "tricks of the trade" used by many addicts alike. Attached to addiction, you have all the advocates of self destruction, deceit, manipulation, lies and other repugnant idiosyncrasies. If your children begin to dabble in drugs/alcohol, these attributes will slowly begin to surface. They will look you directly in your eyes and assure you that your instincts are nothing more than an erroneous judgement on your part. It is unthinkable to believe your child, your own flesh and blood would be capable of such horrendous solutions to their problems. If you believe it is possible, you are moving a step in the right direction.

MY CHILD WOULD NEVER USE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL

My parents’ initial mistake was the belief that their youngest son would have no need for drinking or drugs; let alone become a full-blown heroin addict! After all, I had both parents’, a moderately religious upbringing. I wasn’t abused, raped, molested or beaten. Why should they think I would turn to drugs or alcohol right? I may have been a bit tougher to raise than my two older siblings but other than being shy and awkward around others, I grew up comparatively normal. I definitely wasn’t shouting HEROIN from any rooftops. In other words, there were no tangible warning signs early on.

Obviously I knew something was wrong with me before my family did. Not knowing exactly what it was, I hid it from everyone. I felt like something was missing. I did have moments of contentment but they were few and far between. 

My Rubix Cube brain always seemed to be two or three colored squares off of kilter. The longer I went without addressing it, the worse it seemed to get. As time went on I became a master at hiding my emotional complications and acting like nothing was eating me up inside. It was also extremely difficult to explain what was wrong with me when I didn't really know what was wrong. It is my experience that your child could be suffering greatly and they have no intention in letting you know about it.

WHY WOULD YOUR CHILD USE ONE SUBSTANCE OVER ANOTHER?

Many Americans’ have been led to believe that alcohol isn’t as bad as drugs for many different reasons. I’m sure it can still be debated but the bottom line is the same. We need to stop the squabbling and work towards fixing the problem at the source. We are on the ground smashing the ants while the elephants are trampling us to death!

Whether your child gets trapped by alcohol, prescription medication, street drugs, gambling, pornography, sex, or any other potentially dangerous lifestyle- the lifestyle don’t matter as much as the problem itself.

We now know that no substance in and of itself is inherently addictive. Studies have yielded these results over and over. So why do some people get addicted and others do not? 

If the brain is incapable of producing adequate amounts of dopamine (feelings you get when rewarded) or endorphins (masks physical pain), that person will constantly yearn for that feeling of wholeness and contentment that is missing. This feeling is such an emptiness that I couldn’t fully describe in words. It’s like having a colossal craving for grease-dripping bacon cheeseburger and all you can fit in your mouth is a peanut. It’s like trying to enjoy a delicious Oreo shake through a coffee straw. If these dream-like scenarios happened with every single activity you did, you would start to see life like an addict. Having this feeling constantly nagging at you, every waking minute is hell on earth. All an addict wants is to feel like a normal human being. This is why we turn to drugs and alcohol. Drugs and alcohol fills in these vacant receptor pods in our brain and for that short time, we feel human again; content and at peace.

I have noticed in my active addiction that most addicts either crave uppers or they crave downers. Of course as a heroin addict, I would do uppers when I couldn’t get heroin but overall, you either craved one or the other. If an addict’s brain doesn’t produce enough dopamine, they will more often than not, crave uppers (cocaine, meth, Ritalin). If an addict’s brain doesn’t produce enough endorphins, they will sway towards downers (pain pills, heroin).

Studies have shown that alcohol can fall into both these categories. It is my belief that many turn to alcohol instead of drugs because it is readily available and there is less societal stigma associated with booze. It is acceptable to say “I drank a fifth of whiskey” but not acceptable to say “I shot up 6 balloons of heroin”. Certainly there is other reasons; preference, legalities, etc.

A large problem can occur if your child turns to alcohol because it is easy to say “they are just in a phase” or “I partied when I was their age.” Alcohol can easily be justified. Illegal street drugs, not so much. You know better than to say your child is “just going through a heroin phase.”

HAVING “THE TALK”

-Too many parents believe that having a basic discussion about drugs will produce a drug free family.

-Too many parents believe telling their children to say no to drugs will keep their children away from  drugs.

-Too many parents think lying to their children about drugs is helpful.

-Too many parents don’t study addiction before having a discussion with their children about addiction.

I am scared to death to think that someday I will have to give “the talk” to my children. I cannot give experienced advice from a parent’s side on this, but I sure can tell you want would have been helpful to hear from my parents’. I will have my mother give some parental thoughts and ideas on this subject in part 2.

A basic discussion about drugs is clearly not enough to prevent anything. All that did for me was made me curious and I had more questions than answers.

Using the phrase “just say no” or “say no to drugs” can be very dangerous if used by itself- especially if your child is a teenager. If you use that phrase, you might as well tell them to go experiment with drugs. We all know that adolescents make it their duty to do the opposite of what is asked.

If your child asks a question regarding drugs or addiction, do not lie to them. When they find out you lied, and they will, your child will lose trust in you. They will find out because their friend or their friend’s friend will know more drugs than you do. That takes us to my next point.

There is nothing more crucial for your child than your knowledge and love. Learning everything you possibly can about the realm of addiction. Like they say “What you don’t know may hurt your children”.  Don’t let your ignorance control your children’s fate. I was never told anything about withdrawals. I thought if I became addicted to something, it only meant I would really like to continue doing it. No one told me I would be vomiting and having diarrhea at the same time. Stomach cramps and leg spasms more intense than anything I had ever felt in my life; fever, chills and sweats, heavy uncontrollable drooling, insomnia. I was told none of that. At the proper age, our children need to know all the important factors of addiction.

Check your findings. Cross reference with other websites. The more research you do the better equipped you will be in handling addiction.

THE ADDICTION PARADIGM

Pixabay Photo

Even with as much as we know about addiction today, it is still very difficult for a non-addict to fully understand the thought process of an addict. It is possible to show sympathy or compassion for someone who just lost their mother or father, but until it happens to you, it is very difficult to know exactly what that person is experiencing. Addiction is the same in that way. Many people wonder why a sober addict will choose to relapse, even when the addict knows the consequences for doing so. This type of response is typical. If you are asking that question its only because you still don’t understand what addiction is. The more you understand about addiction, the greater chance your children will live a successful character building lifestyle.

Ignorance in addiction has been used to create the judgmental stigma towards addicts that we see today. This separation of mankind- this wedge between humanity has stopped a great deal of forward progress in the fight against addiction. Thankfully, over the last few years I have noticed a partial paradigm shift in the way society views addicts/alcoholics. This is the single most important epiphany we could have as a collective society. No longer can we view addicts/alcoholics as “the weak link” in society.

The revolving door of the American justice system is designed to generate massive amounts of wealth in the pockets of government. It is not designed to help individuals plagued with crippling mental disorders. Until the current system receives an overhaul, it is left to the people of the United States to change the paradigm of addiction. When it comes to fixing the crux of the problem my friends’, this IS the solid base in which we build on.  This paradigm shift needs to happen. 

Addiction will never be under control in America until we all accept addiction for what it is. Addiction is not drugs, it is not laws, it is not alcohol, and it is not pornography or sex. Addiction is not a homeless man begging for change. Addiction is not that selfish thief who needs his next fix. Addiction is not will power. It is not the prostitute on the street corner or the guy sitting in a cold, damp jail cell. Addiction is a mental illness. Addiction is a brain that does not function properly. Addiction is in no way the fault of the addicted. We did not choose to have this brain damage. It is a form of brain damage so why don’t we call it what it is? The paradigm shift needs to continue. We need to be more aware of what we are fighting. 

 We can easily look ahead and see that our ship is headed for a huge iceberg. We can change the course we are on. We must change the course we are on. It is a matter of life and death and the number of deaths continues to rise.

For so long we have fought against the wrong opponent. Many addicts are victims of rape, brutal beatings and sexual assaults as well as products of poor or misguided parenting. Why would we ever want to side with the perpetrator of such crimes? In one way or another, the addiction manifested because of the landscaping and surroundings of that individual. I am still searching my childhood to understand why and how my addiction got planted.

END OF PART 1—            

Next blog- Part 2 (Signs to Look for)

My Rapid Detox Procedure

Three years into my addiction

I was homeless off and on throughout my addiction. After walking the streets for a few months, there would be opportunities where convincing my parents would allow me back into their home. The agreements made between me and my parents would range anywhere from "If you let me move back home I promise to get sober" to "I can't get sober but I will keep all drugs and paraphernalia out of the house." Of course neither of those "promises" ever held true and I would lie, manipulate and steal until I was kicked out once again.

The majority of my homeless stints, I would find refuge (under a bridge or abandoned field) in a large city about 60 miles (85km? lol) from my parents home. This of course was because "the city" is where I would hook up my balloons of heroin and cocaine from the Mexican dealers.

One day I ran into an acquaintance who had just been released from an 18 month prison sentence. This particular day I was out of money and out of heroin. He was looking to score some cocaine. I told him I was dope sick and if he was willing to buy me some heroin, I would get him his cocaine. He was more than happy to take my offer. Once I scored the drugs, we went to a nearby public bathroom to do our business. While in adjacent bathroom stalls, he asked me for some heroin. I knew he hadn't done any in almost 2 years but I wasn't willing to get into a boxing match with someone of his size and stature. His neck tattoos alone scared me enough. I handed him some of my leftovers under the stall wall and continued mixing and stirring my shot. Once I finished, I came out of the stall and looked at my acquaintance. He was standing in front of the mirror with both hands on the sink. He was just gazing into his own reflection. Seconds later, he tipped backwards without shuffling his feet and hit the bathroom floor like a bag of wet sand. He just laid there motionless. We were both in possession of cocaine, heroin, syringes and other paraphernalia.  With no lock on the bathroom door, I was terrified someone would come in. I panicked and ran away; leaving the lifeless man on the cold floor. Still to this day, I don't know if that man died.

This was one of many incidents that was a turning point in my addiction. All I could think about was getting home to my family. Not knowing what happened to that man was beginning to weigh on me. It was too much for me to process and the only thing I knew how to do was numb myself from it. Doing more heroin wasn't helping anymore. I decided to call home. I needed help. 

Because of the seriousness of what happened, there was greater urgency and honesty in my convictions to get sober. I believe my father could see that- even under my inebriated and rickety shell of a body. After a 2 hour discussion with my parents I was allowed to move back in. The requirement this time was that I absolutely had to get clean. I felt at this point in my life, I was truly ready.

At the time, I felt I had tried everything to get myself clean. From weening myself off heroin, switching from heroin to cocaine, from cocaine to meth, from meth right back to heroin. Relocating, white knuckling. Quite early in my addiction I was thoroughly convinced I could stay sober if I just listened to music! I have a strong relationship with music but give me a break Dustin. What were you thinking? I know what I was thinking. I thought my battle was about will power. That will power alone could keep me sober.

My dad had mentioned AA and NA many times because he wanted me sober more than anything in the world. Back then, I had this preconceived ridiculous notion that AA was for old men who needed a place to drink whiskey, have farting contests and to re-live war stories. I am introvert who wasn't too fond of farting at public gatherings nor had I fought in any wars. 

I wanted to believe that I was unique in my addiction and that no one else was addicted for the same reasons as me; that no one had the same problems as me. Up to this point, the only option that had been somewhat successful was when the Judges got tired of seeing me on petty theft and paraphernalia charges and would throw me in jail for a month or so. Obviously, this option was not voluntary; at least not yet. I will get to my voluntary jail requests another day. When I was forced to get clean my sobriety never lasted very long.

I was feeling wore out. Wore out from relapsing, wore out from withdrawals, wore out from life. My parents were also exhausted. My heroin addiction had eaten its way through our family structure and it was starting to break apart at the seams. 

We had a family discussion again last night. After a long phone call to my grandparents from my father, my grandparents have decided to pay five thousand dollars so I can have a rapid detox procedure done. It will take place next week. 

 I had some old methadone pills left over from about a  year ago stuffed in my old dresser. I've decided to take the methadone until I get the procedure done. This way I don't have to find a ride to the city every day this week when I run out of heroin.

4 DAYS LATER

The anesthesiologist who will be performing my procedure called today for a consultation and he told us what to expect from the procedure. By the end of the conversation, I was instructed to stop taking the methadone and get back on heroin! WTH? I am blown away right now. Did I hear the doctor correctly? That is exactly what I was told and the doctor explained why:

 For those of you who don't know what Narcan is; Narcan (naloxone) is a drug that reverses the affects of opiate based drugs. It blocks opioids from attaching to the receptors in the brain. It is often administered to stop an (opiate) overdose. The procedure I am doing consists of being sedated into a deep sleep. Once asleep, I will be injected with Narcan. The doctor explained that Methadone sticks to the receptors in the brain with a much stronger bond than that of heroin. That made sense to me because I knew when I did heroin, I had to do it about every 6 hours. Methadone I could do just once a day. He said if I was on heroin instead of Methadone, the procedure would be much more successful. 

Once given the Narcan, my body will go into heavy withdrawals. This process is kind of like a 3 or 4 day time machine. The worst part of the withdrawal process happens while I am asleep. It takes about two hours to complete. Once complete, they will put my mom and I in a nice motel room and they will also have a nice steak dinner brought to my mom. It is kind of a weird combination of amenities but I didn't care. I did ask "What about my steak dinner?" The doctor laughed and said "I can promise you this, the last thing you will want when you wake up is a steak dinner."

I had a previous experience with Narcan a couple years prior to this procedure. This was before I understood what it was. I thought it wouldn't affect me as an active heroin user. Boy was I wrong! My parents gave me 10 days to get sober and then I would be given a Naltrexone (Narcan) pill on the tenth day. I figured I could use heroin up to the tenth day and just take the pill. No big deal right? Wrong! I believe that was the worst, most painful and excruciating day of my existence. I don't want to sidestep on the current story so I will go into more detail on that later on. The point is, Narcan works!

After my parents collected their bearings from the mind-boggling advise of the doctor, I was told to get in the car. My mom and I was on our way to the city. We were going to get me off the methadone that I have been taking for the past four days. My mom and I scored me 3 days worth of heroin.

PROCEDURE DAY

I am nervous, scared, excited, ashamed, embarrassed and worried. All the what-ifs' are twirling around in my head and it is making me uneasy. They had me strip off all my clothes and put on a robe that opened in the back. The doctor just came in and gave me a cocktail of pills and said they should make me really sleepy. I feel too worked up to sleep right now. Wat if ii don wak uppp? Wht if it proseedur dont wrk? ZONK!!!

The next thing I remembered was waking up on a hospital style bed. I don't know how I got there. I don't remember anything but sitting in that chair. I am glad I have no recollection of what happened because after I came to, I realized that a nurse had inserted a tube into my butt and also a tube into my penis. Luckily I was still so drugged that I didn't care. Knowing that during my sedation, I uncontrollably pooped and pissed while lying in bed makes me cringe.  How fun it that! 

I'm not sure why they record the whole process but they did. (Not the gross stuff I just mentioned but the entire procedure itself.) They were taking the video camera off of  a tri-pod when I woke up. So somewhere in my mom's house, there is a video of my rapid detox procedure. Maybe I should ask her for it so I can remind myself just how bad things can get. It is so easy to forget and say "Eh, it wasn't THAT bad!" It was THAT bad Dustin. Don't kid yourself.

Once my mom and I left the doctors office, I had to have her assistance getting out of the car and walking into the hotel. People in the elevator where giving me strange "what the hell is wrong with that guy?" look. I don't care much. I am giggly and feeling the effects of the sedation medication. I am dizzy and my equilibrium is off, but for the most part, I am out of pain.

The room is nice. There is a hot tub in the center of the room. I am just lying on the bed. I can feel the fog lifting off me and my stomach is starting to rumble. My mom is sitting at the small table eating her steak and vegetables that was promised earlier. The doctor was right. The smell of her food is making me sick. The ache in my legs is beginning to slowly creep upwards. Slowly lifting each leg I can tell I am going to be in a lot of pain soon. I get into the hot tub.

After 20 minutes in the wonderful steaming hot water, a nurse comes into the room. I am glad he is here because my stomach feels like it is twisting into small, tight little knots. He gives me a shot in my belly

ONE WEEK LATER

I still feel crappy but it is tolerable. Its Friday night so decided to go with my sister and her husband to one of their friend's house. I think being around other sober people is best for me right now. I feel like I am at a tipping point on my withdrawals. I could either push myself through this last part, or if I am not careful, I could relapse. If I relapse, all of this would be for nothing. At least I can smile. I do feel happy overall despite the lack of energy and leftover pain that creeps in and out.

 90 DAYS AFTER PROCEDURE

I made it 90 days before I relapsed. At the time, 90 days was my longest period of sobriety so it was even more devastating. Of course after every relapse, your thoughts remind you of how worthless you are and how big of a failure you have become. Not to mention the five thousand dollar price tag that was now nothing more than salt in my wound. The devastation allowed my progressive disease to turn on the after-burners and I sunk to a new low. I was afraid I would never return. All moral lines would be erased and I would begin to see the real power of my relentless addiction...

 

 

 

In the beginning

I haven't always been willing to puncture my veins with hypodermic needles. As a young child I was horrified at the thought of getting a flu shot or getting my blood drawn. I would do whatever was necessary to avoid getting that silver and hollow shank inserted into my body. As a young boy, I classified needles as one of my biggest fears. Not anymore. Not today. My biggest fear today is dying from an insulin needle full of heroin. It would be a peaceful way to call it quits- but I'm not ready. I'm not ready to die. How did I get here? How did I become a heroin addict? This isn't what I wanted. I wanted to be an airplane pilot. My choices over the past 15 years landed me where I am- right here, right now. My goal in life wasn't to do more than two years behind bars. Stealing strangers cars wasn't on my to-do list. I definitely didn't want to be walking the cold winter streets with nowhere to go. Heroin and other drugs destroyed my life and everything around it. I seen death. I faced death. I lied, cheated, stole, manipulated, committed intolerable crimes, used weapons, cheated society, dishonored my closest family members and drug them through the steaming pits of hell called addiction. I completely destroyed my health and well-being. I was that dirty, scraggly man standing on the off-ramp, holding a cardboard sign, begging you for your loose change. If I can find my out, so can anyone else who has been gripped by addiction. I've decided to detail my journey of addiction in hopes to help others who are going through the pain and misery of addiction. I realized quickly that the system is not focused on my recovery and if I was going to survive, I had to get out of it. This is my story... Please comment and follow my weekly blog if you or a loved one is suffering from addiction.